It's a universal dilemma. You have far more people attending Sunday worship services than you have participating in small groups. Why? Is it a flawed ministry structure? Is it a failure of leadership? Most likely, it's just another reminder of the Fall. Remember Genesis three? The first thing Adam and Eve did after they rejected God's rule was to dive into the nearest clump of bushes! They hid from God and from each other. Self-absorbed, afraid, and filled with shame, that famous first couple scrambled to cover up. And we inherited those same traits. How tragic! God designed our souls for rich intimacy, yet we cling desperately and stubbornly to anonymity.
This is the phenomenon at work in your church and mine. Add the sobering reality that all of us have experienced pain and disappointment in assorted relationships, and is it any wonder people are leery of more intimate relational settings?
Let's face it … if anonymity is a person's goal, big groups are less threatening than small groups. There is safety and security in numbers. Conversations before and after Sunday morning services, if they happen at all, tend to be short and superficial. In such large-group settings, I can put on a front and schmooze or I can blend discreetly into the woodwork. Either way, as long I don't let anyone get too close, I can keep people from knowing what a mess my life is. By maintaining a safe distance, I can avoid the pain of failed relationships.
Ah, but this common approach is a double-edged sword. Steering clear of intimacy might spare people from possible rejection, but it also assures them a lonely existence. Distant acquaintances can never satisfy the deep longings of the human soul for meaningful relationship.
As a small group director and /or leader, how can we help people overcome the natural aversion they feel about leaving the comfort zone of large group anonymity and taking the risk of small group intimacy? Here are some practical suggestions:
Make prayer a priority. This sounds trite, but remember, we are in a spiritual battle. Jesus wants his followers unified and living in close-knit community where we can strengthen each other with grace and truth. At the same time, the enemy wants us living as isolated individuals, where we will be weak and vulnerable, so that he can pick us off one by one. We need to pray fervently and continuously for those frightened and confused souls who are unwittingly playing into the hands of the devil by resisting life in the body of Christ. Ask God to give them insight into their need and to help them find the courage they need to take the scary, big step into true community.
Make "safety" a leading value. If your small groups aren't widely known as safe places where privacy is protected, then you'll have a hard time getting skittish individuals to sign on. Let it be known that gossip absolutely is not tolerated. Make it a clear rule that those who refuse to keep confidences are disqualified from group involvement. Communicate further that small groups are not gatherings of people who "have it all together" (an intimidating prospect!), but, rather, gatherings of broken and messed-up people who accept one another as they try to help each other understand and experience the love of Christ (an inviting prospect!).
Make friendship a goal. The same guy who is leery of meeting with a group of strangers for "small group Bible study" probably will be comfortable eating pizza and watching Monday Night Football with those same men. So start where people are. Focus on building relationships.
We know from experience that friendships exert a natural pull. In the church we can (and should) use this positive friendship pressure to overcome the natural reluctance so many feel regarding small group involvement. I was at a small group catfish fry up at the lake this past weekend. Among the folks in attendance was an unchurched couple. My guess is that this couple will eventually be plugged into our church community. Why? Because they got to see firsthand that we are normal, real people, and more importantly, they really seemed to enjoy being with us. A simple social seemed to go a long way in enlarging this couple's comfort zone.
Make information available. Many people have no clue about what takes place in a small group, or worse, they have misconceptions—assuming the experience is the spiritual equivalent of what happens when space aliens take some poor, unsuspecting soul aboard their UFO to poke, prod, and probe! In light of this, perhaps during your Sunday morning services, you could show periodic sixty second "infomercials" of what being in a small group entails.
Use testimonies and success stories. Have former "resisters" share briefly in a Sunday service how they moved from small group skeptics to small group "believers." This tried and true tactic of Madison Avenue can often be the simple push some folks need to take the plunge … . Hey, if a confirmed doubter can become a satisfied customer, maybe there's something to this after all?
Keep an updated list of groups, leaders and topics in your church foyer (you might even consider inserting this in the bulletin once a month). Doing so takes away many of the excuses people have for not participating. "Well I'll be! Look here, Martha. There's a group that meets every Tuesday night right around the corner from us—and they even have childcare!"
Make inviting a habit. The Bible says, "you have not because you ask not" (James 4:2). Okay, okay, so this verse has little—if anything—to do with small group ministry … nevertheless, the larger principle is true. A large number of people don't come to church simply because their church-going neighbors never ask. Similarly, a good percentage of people don't participate in small groups because they've never received a warm invitation from a friendly group leader or member.
Not everyone will accept. And some people will never choose to be part of a small group. Others will resist your first 10 invitations. But who knows what might happen if you ask an eleventh time? We need to keep in mind the encouragement of Galatians 6:9: "Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up."
