When Katie asked to get together to talk about small groups, I readily agreed. She was bright and perceptive, an excellent leader. She loved her small group and they loved her, but that is not what her body language conveyed. Her shoulders drooped, her eyes were dull, and her face blank as she shoved a paper across the desk toward me. "We had our small-groups kick-off meeting last night, and this is what I got from my coach—another list of expectations." She sighed deeply. "I don't know if I can go on." The burden she carried, she said, was that of living up to everyone's expectations. She was burned out from trying to balance the needs and demands of her group members with those of her small-group coach and program. She knew other leaders who felt the same.
As I listened, my mind flashed back to an earlier conversation that I had had with Steve, another small-group leader. His demeanor stood in sharp contrast to Katie's. A bright smile lit his face as he talked about his small group coach. In fact, he glowed. "I love my small group coach," he confessed. "He is my confidante and encourager. I know he prays for me daily. I don't know what I would do without him."
What a contrast, and what a peek into what small-group leaders really need.
PEOPLE AND PRINCIPLES—NOT PROGRAMS AND POSITIONS
The most notable difference between Katie and Steve was in how valued they felt as individuals. Katie felt her coach's expectations for the growth of their small group program; Steve felt his coach's care and concern for Steve and his group members' spiritual growth. Katie felt the pressure to conform and comply with programs and positions. Steve experienced the freedom and empowerment to pursue what God was blessing and put people and overall small-group principles first.
Small groups are about people. Small group leaders need to know that their spiritual growth, as well as that of their group members, comes before the growth of any program or ministry. Small groups are first of all organic—living, breathing, and dynamic—not organizational. Organization is important, but the structure needs to serve people, not people the structure. Small groups are organic—fluid, flexible, and complex—and must come first. The growth of a small-group program is an outcome of the spiritual growth of the people in it. The most effective coaches are those who put their leaders first by doing the following:
Pray—Nothing tops this. Leaders who are prayed for deeply know it. Whether via phone, e-mail, personal note, or face to face, prayer encourages the heart and soul of a small group leader. Leaders, in turn, pray for each of their small group members.
Love—Leaders need coaches who truly care about them, who love them as brothers and sisters in Christ. That may include saying hard things, but leaders who are truly loved know it. Loved leaders can hear the hard things their coaches say because they speak the truth in love. Leaders trust that what is said will help them grow spiritually and make them better leaders.
Listen—Nothing says "I love you" like a coach who listens and truly hears the concerns of a leader. Coaches need to ask questions to discern where leaders are in their faith walk and their life stage. What outward circumstances are impacting them? What are the wounded places in their lives? What needs nurturing and care? The question, "How are you doing really?" says it all. Listening and really hearing someone says, "I truly care about you, not just what you can do for our small group ministry."
Resource—Leaders also need someone to navigate the maze of small group resources available, from training and conferences to books and study materials. Providing a book review or synopsis of a training event via e-mail is time efficient and frees the leader to concentrate on his or her group's needs. It also provides guidance as to what resources to utilize, what training to pursue, and what to disregard.
Provide individualized support—Not all leaders need the same kind of support. Relational leaders need affirmation and talk time. They are people focused. They also need simple, practical organizational tools—assistance with what they are not good at—so they can maximize the people skills that they possess. Task-oriented leaders thrive on organizational structure, goals and objectives. They are action-oriented and want a measurable, concrete "to do" list from their coaches so they can do their job better. They also need simple, practical tools for connecting with people—which may not come naturally to them—so they can utilize what they do best and still remain people-focused. Both relational and task-oriented leaders thrive on the praise and encouragement of their coaches, but for different things. Coaches need to recognize that their own needs may be different from their small group leaders, and they need to support the leaders according to what the leaders need, not what they themselves need.
Respect and trust—Leaders need coaches who respect what God is doing in and through their small group and its leadership, coaches who trust God's call in the leaders' lives. It includes trusting leaders to discern where their small group is in its life cycle and allowing the leader and the group to determine when they are ready for a new agenda and when they should reproduce, transplant, or even end. Trust frees leaders from the burden of performance; respect empowers them to pursue their God-given passions and process.
Encourage spiritual accountability—Coaches who empower and release small group leaders to follow the Holy Spirit's leading emphasize spiritual accountability instead of positional authority and control. It means that both the leader and the coach mutually submit to an agreed-upon vision for small groups. They walk side by side, holding leadership loosely and hanging on tightly to God. When they live out the one-another's of the New Testament, God pours out his blessing. Then, even in the tough times of group life, leaders and coaches will see God's hand.
Providing the above support will give leaders what they need most—guidance for doing God's will.
These and other concepts are expanded in the book Betty and David Stark co-authored, Growing People Through Small Groups, published by Bethany House.
