I am a coach or director in a small group ministry. When a leader comes to me asking for help resolving a conflict within their group, what questions should I ask myself before responding?
Is this the right time and place to be discussing this?
The church lobby between services is not the place to discuss a group conflict with a leader. One-on-one, in a quiet, relaxed setting is optimal.
What are the facts, and what are the emotions?
What are the real issues at stake here: Is this only about hurt feelings or is something deeper happening? At the beginning of the conversation, the leader may need to let out the emotions and "blow off a little steam," but eventually there needs to be an assessment of the truth—the facts that are at the heart of this conflict.
Am I reserving judgment about the situation?
This aspect is a little like marriage counseling; I never want to make a decision until I'm sure about the whole story. I cannot make snap judgments about who is at fault, and I also need to encourage the group leader not to do this.
What is my personal relationship with this leader?
Have I earned the right to be confrontive or to speak the truth to them? The relationship I have built with them may determine how well I am received. If I have not earned the right to say direct things to them, have I been doing my job as a director or coach?
Is this a guy or a gal?
Are they leading a group of exclusively men or women? Men and women leaders need different conflict resolution skills. My wife Becky has led ladies' groups, and her observation has been that women usually have an easier time opening up and being relational than men do, but those relationships tend to be messier. On the other hand, when a conflict arises in a men's group, it's often because something has festered and not been discussed. Additionally, women and men resolve conflicts in different ways, and the leader has to bear this in mind.
Is this a group or an individual conflict?
If the conflict is between the leader and an individual in the group and concerns a personal matter, I usually tell them, "I can't settle your interpersonal relationship problems. You two need to talk it out." If it is about a group conflict, my involvement may be necessary. Even then, I regularly say, "I will not settle this for you, but I will go with you." An increasing percentage of people today lack interpersonal skills like conflict resolution. They will try hard to get someone else to fix things for them. These days, conflict management skills should be an element of any small group leader's training.
Is this a biblical issue?
Obviously, if the conflict is over, for example, whether or not Jesus is the Son of God, we have a duty to side with the truth. However, most issues, at their root, have to do with opposing opinions between individuals. As a leader, I have to be careful that I recognize it as opinion and not let it be turned into a Bible issue when it is not.
What would a "shepherd" do?
I encourage the leaders to look at every conflict with a shepherd's heart, to look with the compassionate eyes of Jesus at the people caught up in this conflict (admittedly a tough sell in some cases!). I can't ask, "What will make this feel better right now?" but instead, "What is the best thing in the long run for the spiritual health and growth of every person involved?" If I can send this leader back to the group with their shepherd "hat" on, I know they will do some good.
Do I have to solve this problem, or does the leader?
As the coach or director, I don't have to possess an endless supply of sage advice. I do not have to feel I can fix every problem. My goal is to offer this leader some tools to figure out their own solution.
Can I role play with the leader?
Can I be the person they have to confront and let them talk through what they will say to the other person?
Am I peacekeeping or peacemaking?
In my advice to this leader, I cannot offer the quick fix (often, the "easier" of the choices). How can I advise them in a way that pushes through the hard parts and creates a permanent peace within this conflict?
Does the proposed solution pass "the supermarket-line" test?
If this leader goes away and implements the solution that the two of you decide upon, will anyone in the group feel like they need to turn the other way when they spot another group member in the supermarket line? The best solutions to conflicts make continued fellowship possible.
Should I call in reinforcements?
In the case of some conflicts, I should not keep this information to myself, but I should invite the input and prayers of the key leaders of our church. Perhaps a serious sin on the part of a church leader emerges during your discussions, several group members have been involved in gross immorality, false doctrine has been taught and is dividing the church, or maybe the conflict involves some legal matter. The elders of our church should never have to ask me in the future, "Why didn't you tell us?"
Does the advice I am offering short circuit the growth process?
It is often a very good thing for a group and its leader to experience conflict. It is the way to get to the next level in their relationship. The book of James says to welcome trials with joy because of the potential growth they bring to our lives. Conflicts bring growth opportunities to our small groups as well. Scott Peck says genuine community must proceed through pseudo community to conflict, chaos, and emptiness before deep intimacy can happen (like a marriage). A wise leader will allow the time and tension necessary for making the most of a conflict, and his or her group will be more real because of it.
Have we made a plan to discuss this again?
Whenever a leader comes to me to discuss a conflict in their group, we make a plan to get back together to debrief ASAP. When the leaders are aware that I am going to come back and ask how it went, they are more likely to go ahead and do the hard work of addressing the conflict.
Can I let it go?
I may do everything right in order to resolve this conflict. I may speak the truth in love, and I still may lose a leader or a group. The group leader may take my advice and still lose a group member. In the end, I cannot work this out for the group; they have to do it themselves. People do not always act nobly (you and I do, of course, but there ARE people out there who do not!). Should I do everything within my power to resolve conflict and help the group in every way possible? Sure, but sometimes agreeing to disagree is the best I can hope for.
