Just how long does it take for a group to grow close? How many group meetings must happen before hearts are tuned in to one another? When does real community begin to happen? These are questions that are not often asked by group members, but often are asked by small group pastors. Why? Group maturity, growing towards community, signals a healthy group experience. When groups become knitted together, group life becomes transformational. It is an exciting process to say the least, but the question remains, "How long does it take for real community to take effect?" I maintain that it takes close to three months for group members to develop the beginnings of community and the process of connecting. In that three-month period, there are a few things that a group can do to "push the envelope" and to get groups focused upon Jesus Christ and one another. Perhaps the best way to begin developing community is when group members tell their story.
It has been said that everyone has a story. We all have stories about childhood days or growing up. We have stories about meaningful life experiences. We have stories about defeats and victories, and we can tell about many of the lessons learned along the way. Almost everyone in a group has a story about faith and about how they came to be in a small group.
When a group first comes together, story telling is essential. Let me share a few ways group members can share their life stories without jeopardizing their group experiences or hurting the purposes of the group gathering.
Leaders lead the way. The first person in the group that gets the privilege of telling his or her story is the group leader or facilitator. The wonderful thing about leadership is that the leaders get to set the boundaries and share how a story is to be told. So much in groups is not "taught" but is "caught", seen, and learned by others in the group. As the group members watch the leader tell about how he or she came to be where they are, they will learn a few things about sharing life stories. For instance, they will watch how long you take to share your story. I have had the honor of serving as a counselor for two Billy Graham Crusades. In the Crusade training, they have everyone learn how to tell their stories in four minutes! That is about all the time a person is going to give you, especially in a large and chaotic setting like an arena or stadium. I am not suggesting that every leader tell their story in four minutes! There is more time in a home group, but before you tell your story, you should practice telling it, perhaps to a spouse or a trusted friend. Try to make your story as concise as possible. "In the beginning…" is a great way to start the Bible, but it is not a good way to begin telling others about your walk with Jesus!
There are three points in telling your story, the Before Picture, the Turning Point, and the After Picture. The secret in forming your story is to focus on those three points. It is not that other stuff is not important; it is simply helping everyone to stay on task. Not everything will come out in the initial sharing, so do not push too hard.
Secondly, remember that not everyone will feel like sharing right away, and not everyone’s story is easily or completely told in one sitting. Sharing about life comes naturally to some and is quite foreign to others. Therefore, never force group members to "tell all" or to share. Look at each person individually, and let things happen naturally. For example, in my small group people have shared abut their life’s story in small bits. Everyone has answered the question, "Why am I here at this small group?," but deeper, more personal information comes out in layers while the group is growing. Think of an onion being pealed one layer at a time. That is what happens in community. A few weeks ago, one of the members of my small group began sharing his "concerns" about his salvation. He knows the Gospel and is a believer, but there were some nagging fears that perhaps he might not make it to Heaven one day. The group took a "timeout," and he began peeling back the layers of his faith struggles. More of his story came out along the way! We have been together over a year, and all of this was new to us.
That leads me to the third point. Sharing stories is an ongoing adventure. Storytelling is rarely clean and simple, especially when it comes to a faith walk. Therefore, group leaders and facilitators should be willing to set aside a portion of a lesson when the moment arises and someone opens up through God’s leading. One of my pet sayings is this, "Group life is not about the curriculum and answering all the questions." If you want true community in your small group, then you have to be flexible and malleable. You never know when the Holy Spirit will move in a group member’s life. When that happens, it is a moment for the group as well. Everyone is affected by the continuing story of faith as shared through a small group.
This past year I have worked more on community in my small group than ever before. I relentlessly pursued closeness with every member. I opened my home and my life, shared by example, and made a huge effort to put agendas aside so that God could do His work. It has been very rewarding, but it is also hard work. Do not think that community just happens in a small group. It rarely does, but telling life stories is one of the best ways to continually grow a group towards maturity in Christ. It is a rewarding experience for everyone in the group.
