I used to think that my lack of listening to people was due to either adult ADD or an extremely overactive leadership gift. I figured that some were gifted at listening, I was not, and therefore I could excuse it away. I really thought that to be a good leader AND a good listener was extremely difficult, if not impossible.
Then God took that little errant belief system and said, "Steve, you don't listen because you really don't care about or love people. And if you do, you care more about yourself than them. "OUCH! I declared back, "I'm the small group pastor, God!Of course I … oh boy … that is me!"
That's when it hit me. The first step in listening is genuine care, concern and love for the people God has entrusted to us. No other technique or motivation will help you listen more effectively until you ask God to transform your heart to love people as He does. Effective listening is simply one byproduct that occurs.
The small group leaders at our church are no different. They are volunteer leaders, who are busy, with a propensity for multitasking. Many are actually incredible listeners—but I again trace that back to their heart—they love their people!I want to make sure we capture this and address it ministry wide, so I'm preparing a session for our Fall Training in our local church on this very topic.
I originally was going to call listening a discipline and talk about how we can adopt this discipline to our spiritual growth. But the issue is much bigger than that—it deals with the very core of our heart. If we don't really love or care about the people God has entrusted to us, there's not enough discipline to help us become better listeners.
The first aspect of our listening training will begin with the foundation—asking God daily to change your heart to have His heart of love for others. In line with that is the simple request for God to remove our selfish tendencies to put ourselves first. It's remarkable how simple and Biblical it all comes down to, but how difficult our flesh fights it!Yikes!
The second area of our training begins the discipline. Listening seeks understanding. That understanding allows us to truly celebrate a victory, mourn a loss, process or dialogue a question, digest a concern, and validate a hurt. When someone shares a deep need, listening for understanding provides the starting place where we can discern what questions to ask, or how to pray for them. This understanding communicates value and affirmation—stuff we all need.
The last area of our training is simply this—model listening to your group. Most people don't naturally know how to do this, and you can see it within their marriages, their relationships at work, their children, or even within the group. By modeling listening, and pointing to its effectiveness, you begin to challenge the people in your group to practice it within every scope of their relationships. Be honest in the modeling, and talk about the difficulties at times—it will help break down the "you've got it all together" myth!
There are so many other skills that can be added here—once the heart issue has been tackled. Listening is a lifelong discipline because our hearts are "leaky" and we need to be filled with the Holy Spirit regularly to make sure we're loving people the way He wants us to. May the "listening leader" not be an oxymoron in our churches and small groups; may it be the natural outgrowth of our heart of love for the people we serve. Can you hear me now?
