Some families obviously love each other. You know, the kind where the dad adores the mom so much that his voice softens when she calls him at work. The kids laugh with—not at—their parents, and you know that they have spent hours of quality time together. The parents value every school function as though their children played first horn or were the star running back. The teen hugs Mom (though out of sight of his peers) when going off to basketball camp.
Families with strong relationships pique outsiders' interest. You know they are not perfect, and everyday ups and downs are not hidden behind masks, but they talk, trust, and walk through life together.
This same dynamic occurs in small groups whose members have jelled into a family. We often look for deep friendships and high trust but find them elusive. That's why these groups sparkle in the face of others, attracting attention. People in other small groups want to emulate them and wonder how to achieve this in their group. They see something working and ask, "What is the difference?"
Relationships. That one word says it all. For a small group to grow into a living, thriving, basic Christian community, the members have to stretch through levels of ever-deepening relationships. They have to learn to like each other. Not everyone in a small group will be "best buddies," but a network of meaningful relationships transforms a stagnant group into a loving and appealing family.
The journey to becoming family is bumpy and sometimes long, with a few wrong turns along the way. Just as a solid friendship does not appear out of thin air, neither does family life in a small group. It comes through the practice and commitment to a process of developing relationships with others.
Step One: Prayer
This process begins with prayer. Pray specifically and steadfastly for the "friendship level" in the group to increase. Seek direction about the people God wants you to know better, and stay alert for the answer.
For example, Sally prayed this way one night for closer relationships with other women in her small group. She was visited the next day by another mother in her group who wanted to borrow a book on Christian child-rearing. Prior to that day, the two had talked only in small-group meetings. God answered Sally's prayer quickly. Their friendship is now a model for Christian mothers, and their children are best friends.
Step Two: Connecting
There are many ways to connect relationally with your group members, but here are some ideas: Spend time with group members outside the meeting; Sit with them during services and chat afterward; Have Sunday lunch together at a suitable restaurant; Cook ahead for brunch "mystery guests" and then invite a family, a couple, or a few singles from your group when you see them at the service.
Other meals are logical times to meet. Potluck suppers allow several families to share the cooking. Try these two fun and easy ideas: (1) "baked potato bars" (somebody bakes the spuds and everyone else brings a favorite topping) and (2) cooperative taco salads (everyone brings some part of the salad: tortilla chips, veggies, salsa, meat, guacamole, sour cream, etc.). Some cells rotate a weekly "supper club" so each family can play host. Singles or couples without children may enjoy a restaurant-based variation.
Many men enjoy getting together with each other for coffee and doughnuts before work. Women often share morning coffee, lunch, or a shopping trip. Some young mothers look forward to "tea time" with older women in the cell. While the kids nap, the women sip tea and share what God is doing in their lives.
You can set up a connection at the group meeting. Tell another individual, couple, or family during refreshment time that you'd like to spend time with them during the next week. Ask for their phone number and the best time to call, and then call to set up a time and place that works for both. Scheduling this way allows all concerned to check their calendars and plan accordingly.
Step Three: Common Ground
As you get acquainted with others, you'll discover areas of shared interests. One fellow invited several guys from his group to join him at a shooting range for target practice. These men later arranged a hunting trip together and have since become great friends.
Mothers enjoy "play dates" as much as their children do. While the children play, the women share their frustrations and joys, as well as helpful insight. Some women delight in a weekly "quilting bee," where they work together on a quilt or other projects as they chat about how the Lord is moving in their lives. Weightlifting, walking, gourmet cooking, gardening, building furniture, or hundreds of other shared interests create excellent times to deepen relationships as you learn from, teach, and help each other.
Pray about creative ways to make use of your blossoming relationship in outreach. Can your interests become the basis of a Share Group to which you invite unbelievers? Look for opportunities to minister together. Visit prisons, hospitals, or nursing homes. One group packs men, women, and children in a van every year at Christmas to go caroling at area hospitals. Another group of college singles signs up to play cards with elderly patients once a week. A number of friends, who speak a second language, often invite international students to their homes for a meal. Whatever you do together, you will learn to trust and care for one another, and your sense of community will grow.
Step Four: Serve
As you pray, listen for guidance about serving your new friends and showing them Christian love. Open your home and share your possessions (swimming pool, kids' play set, or boat). Be available to help whenever needed. When one new mother arrived home from the hospital, a cell member welcomed her with the news that her cell would bring meals for two weeks. A man emerging from his house one chilly Saturday morning to tackle yard work was surprised to find cell members raking and bagging his leaves. A single mom rejoiced when another single woman who loves children offered free babysitting one evening a week.
Some people shy away from being served. If that happens, turn the tables on them and seek their help fixing something, watching children, etc. Then you "owe them" and it is difficult for them to refuse your help!
Step Five: Vulnerability
Healthy relationships eventually foster vulnerability. You can encourage this by asking questions that are deep but not intrusive. Ask friends what they're praying for this week, or what God is teaching them. These non-threatening questions grant the opportunity to share bottom-line issues. Offer to pray right then for any problems they confide in you. You may want to meet regularly to pray together.
Two men in a cell group have been meeting for lunch twice a month for about a year. They take turns sharing their struggles and the things they are learning about Christian life, and they pray. After several months, they trusted each other enough to drop any masks they had been wearing. They were transparent.
Relationships like these build up Christians. Brothers and sisters are edified when they are accountable for their actions, words, and prayer life. Instead of gossiping about someone's poor parenting, financial maladies, workaholism, or dysfunctional marriage, people in Christian community come alongside to help, encourage, and teach.
Of course, building and feeding community sometimes means doing the uncomfortable, such as speaking the truth in love. The Lord may ask you to confront sinful patterns in people's lives and explain that you are concerned for their walk with him. But because of the relationship you've built, you will minister as you help them grow up. And someday, your friend just may return the favor.
Step Six: Family
The deeper the relationships get, the more Christian community starts to look like healthy family life. Endeavor to be a family that is there for one another in celebration and in grief. Send birthday, anniversary, and graduation cards, and give small gifts (especially homemade) to make your loved ones feel special. Plan a birthday party. Get excited about new babies and weddings, and offer to host the showers. Slowly but surely, your hearts knit together.
On the other hand, when tragedy strikes, don't hesitate to call and visit. The love you share with your cell members, like the love of a family, holds no conditions. That means you can call each other in a crisis any time, day or night. When a husband loses his job, or a teen runs away, or cancer strikes, or a flood ruins everything—that is when the cell group community comes around, ready to provide, pray, and stay until the crisis is over. Simply offering prayer and support may help more than you imagine.
Any parent will tell you that being a family is much more than blood relationships. True family takes conscious effort and time. Yet no loving father or mother regrets the investment in family. In fact, most wish they had spent more time with their family.
Don't miss your God-given opportunity to invest in the family that you'll be with for eternity. If you sow now, you will reap later. And others will look at your group and say, "Give me some of that!"
This article first appeared in its original form in CellChurch Magazine in Volume VII, Number 1. Used with permission from TOUCH Outreach Ministries at www.cellgrouppeople.com.
