Leading small groups is tough business. Listen to a few of the challenges facing the modern day small group leader and disciple maker:
- People are extremely busy. Between increased commute times, work demands, and family pressure… people are less likely to invest their valuable time in building authentic Biblical community. Many times it is simply unintentionally squeezed out of their schedule. I've said many times before that "People have a nasty way of voting with their feet" when it comes to deciding whether or not to invest in something they don't see benefit in. Small group attendance and involvement is no exception to this maxim.
- Small group leaders mistakenly assume that just because they have a meeting time, a place for their group, a curriculum, and people attending they are succeeding in making disciples. It's not that easy. Discipleship doesn't just happen. There must be a high degree of intentionality when it comes to making disciples at the small group level.
- In addition many churches have not developed comprehensive macro and micro level discipleship systems that are efficient at producing effective disciples. George Barna has quipped that most churches are effective at producing ineffective disciples.
On top of all this, we also have the challenge of making disciples most of the time in the context of a small group where both men and women are present. A few years ago, John Gray wrote a book entitled, "Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus." If you are married, you know personally the veracity of this simple statement. Since we intrinsically know the truth of the difference between men and women, why do we often assume that in the small group context we can disciple both men and women at the same time in the same place?
Therefore, especially when we design disciple-making opportunities in our small groups, we must "design for the sexes." It has been my experience as a small group Pastor for over five years and now as a Seminary Professor that men and women will not open up sufficiently when they are in mixed gender contexts. For example, if a man is struggling with an addiction to pornography, there is no way he is going to share that information in a mixed gender setting. In addition, let's say, just for the sake of an example, that a woman is struggling with gossip, it is highly doubtful that she is going to share that information when men are present.
As a result I have instructed small group leaders to make sure that they are not only leading their group, but they are also getting together outside the group to address specific issues related to the sexes. In a best case scenario, the leader of the group, whether male or female, is meeting with the men or women in their group outside the group and the husband or the wife is then meeting with the other group of men or women.
One simple method to approach the gender specific discipleship is to ask the men's or women's leader to set the P.A.C.E. for the men or the women in their group. That is to:
• Pray daily for the men or the women in their group. Some of the prayer requests that are prayed for are the struggles that the man or the woman is facing that week.
• Accountable. We all need people around us every now and then to ask, "What sin(s) are you struggling with, and how are you doing in overcoming it?" Without this type of accountability, the church of Jesus Christ is simply a place where men and women continue to wear their victorious Christian masks.
• Contact. The small group leader needs to touch every member in their group outside their group time at least once a week. A word at church, a phone call, a letter, or a card are all ways that we can show the men and women in our group that we care about them. Remember this old adage, "People don't care how much you know until they know how much your care."
• Example. I like what the Apostle Paul said in 1 Cor. 4:16, "I exhort you therefore, be imitators of me" and in 1 Cor. 11:1 he said, "Be imitators of me, just as I also am of Christ" (NASB). Many times all people really need to hear is something like this, "It's ok if you don't know all about the Christian life… just follow my example (as I follow Christ) and it will be all right." We need men and women to step up and show by example the way to follow Christ.
Let's keep in mind the fundamental differences between the sexes. Setting the P.A.C.E. needs to occur both inside and outside the group meeting time. This "one two punch" will have a very positive impact as we "design for the sexes."
