Having served in the pastoral ministry for 16 years, my wife Jerri and I had never had the experience of looking for a church home until about 6 years ago. At that time, I felt burned out and needed a break from the pastoral ministry. What I did not know was how difficult it is to get into a church. We tried several different churches to find home. We gave them more than a fair shot by attending one for a several years, another for a few months, and the last one for over 7 months. We went to worship on Sunday morning and participated in home groups and special events. We tried to be involved, but when we stepped back and evaluated our experience, we were not connected with anyone relationally. In the 6 years of trying to find home, no one from any of these churches called to just get together and get acquainted or to find out what was happening in our personal walk with the Lord! We did get calls from people recruiting us for special events or to work out details of a meeting we were supposed to have a part in. Do you know that, to this day, we have never received a call or visit from anyone to find out why we dropped out? Oh, we did get a call from one place a year after we left, but that was to sign us up for a retreat. The person was somewhat embarrassed when we said we had not attended for over a year. How could this be?
I am not bashing other churches. I am saying that there is a component missing in even some of the best churches, and that component is relationship-based ministry.
I do not think the importance of relational ministry can be understated! People need to feel welcomed, accepted, and loved. They need to feel like they are included as part of the group or they aren't likely to stay around. BUT, you know what? Welcoming, accepting people, getting involved in each other's lives so we stay around really is not what we are aiming for. We are not trying to promote some "new member retention" project. There is an even deeper reason a relational small group ministry needs to be one of our core strategies. We want to see Christ formed in one another! The apostle Paul wrote to the Galatian people (Ga. 4:19) that he was experiencing pain like childbirth for them until Christ was formed in them.
I saw both of my children born, and I am glad I did not have to be the one to give birth. My role of helping to breath and rub my wife's back was just fine for me. Any man who sees their wife go through that experience gains a new appreciation for their wife.
To what extent are we willing to invest in one another's life to see that Christ is formed in each one?
We have seen first hand that discipling believers toward spiritual maturity from the standpoint of passing information along is not very effective. Most of us already know a whole lot more than we obey. Correct information is important, but passing the truth and the values of Jesus' kingdom to another person is much more powerful when passed along relationally rather than informationally.
Why do you think Jesus had His 12 disciples spend so much time traveling with Him? It is through investing relationally with one another that our growth toward spiritual maturity is accelerated. Those you spend time with are the ones from whom you begin to adopt certain attitudes, styles, preferences. You pick them up by association.
Think about some of your family traits that were passed along to you. It is frighteneing to see how many ways I have become like my dad as I have grown older. The Smith's are conservative in many ways. We are not given to over expression. We are somewhat reserved emotionally and not showy. You would never catch us kicking up our heels on a dance floor. We are financially conservative, and we love a good bargain! I used to hate for my dad to buy me any kind of sporting equipment. He was an avid basketball fan and one of the star players on his high school team, but his passion for a bargain always seemed to get the best of him when it came to buying basketballs. He would always buy what I called "balloon" basketballs. They bounced differently. They would always become lopsided after a few months of use. I remember reaching the point where I consciously chose to never ask him for a ball and would save up and buy it for myself.
Here I am, age 46 and I love finding a bargain! There is seldom a purchase I make that is not at a discounted price. I don't know why, but every bargain I find makes me feel like I just won the game. It does not matter what it is, a restaurant meal, a car, a house or a piece of sports equipment (basketballs excluded). My dad did not sit me down and say, "Son, today I want to teach you how to shop for bargains." I picked it up automatically. Now, I almost have to laugh at myself over it. My wife probably cringes over it, though I think she has learned this art very well through association.
Time spent together is key to moving along deeper with Christ. Time spent with unbelievers opens their heart and eyes to see that God desires their heart. Just listen to this summary statement about the first church and what they focused on in Acts 2:42-47: "Every day they continued to meet together… And the Lord added to their number daily those who were being saved." Then, consider Jesus. He lived with His disciples and saw them in their good moments and the bad. Somehow, in those three years of intensive relational interaction with them, they were prepared to carry out an incredible ministry that literally turned the world upside down! That is the power of relational ministry.
I will never forget the transformation that took place at one company where I worked. There was a general feeling of discontent throughout the workforce. At break times, you would hear guys talking trash, grumbling, etc. After several months of working there, it was starting to get to me. I knew there were two other guys there who were Christians. One went to the same church I did, and the other was active in another church in the community. One day we started sharing with each another and decided we would hold one another accountable to reach out to the other guys at work. We put up a dart board to draw guys to a central location during break time. We talked our boss into sponsoring a softball team for our employees so we could have fun together. We started inviting guys out to go fishing and to spend time at our homes.
One guy in particular stands out. Roy was his name. Roy was one of the roughest, meanest guys I had ever met. He was an ex-rodeo, bull riding national champion. He had broken nearly every bone in his body at one time or another. He had a zoo keeper's license and had bears, lions, kangaroos and ostriches. The first time I went to Roy's house, I remember how uneasy I was to walk across the front yard where he had a nearly full grown male lion tied to the tree with a rope. Roy had been married several times and was in the midst of a divorce when I met him. When you looked at Roy, he even looked mean. In our small town, if a crime took place, Roy was always suspected.
Roy made it very difficult to reach him. At work he was always harassing others by saying mean things to them, making their lives miserable. I remember one day when it was my turn to be harassed by him. He was insulting me and calling me names. As he was insulting me, I looked him in the eye, not to be tough—because I was scared more than anything—and asked him, "Why are you so mean?" All I can say is it literally looked like I threw a powerful punch and connected. He just looked at me dumbfounded and didn't say anything. From that day forward, he stopped harassing people at work. We started spending time together fishing and talking. One day, at the close of work, he wanted to talk to me and said, "I have decided I have to turn over a new leaf and start life over again." We talked and prayed together for him to receive the Lord right there at work. You should have seen the heads turn at church that next Sunday when Roy walked into the worship room to take a seat.
No superstars were involved with Roy, just three Christian guys who formed a small group that started praying for others and spending time getting to know them. Six months after we started doing this, the atmosphere was completely different. Guys were getting their lives together. The trash talking stopped. We began to enjoy being together, and it was changing all of our lives.
It is relationships like this one that always sustain periods of spiritual growth in my life. Another small group relationship I had was with Tom. We would get together for a couple of hours every week just to talk and pray. One of the first questions we would ask each other each week was, "How's your walk?" We talked about everything from sports, cars, house remodeling, our wives and our children. We helped each other with various projects when we needed an extra hand. We talked about our sins, our hidden motivations and our ministry to others. We encouraged each other, rebuked each other and challenged each other. When I was down and discouraged, he could help me gain perspective. When he was down, I could do the same for him. I learned more about putting my faith into practice during those years than any class I ever took in college or seminary. Time—significant time—together daily was one of the keys to success.
Small Groups can provide the context for these relationships to form. In fact, I would say that if you are going to have small groups without encouraging relationship-based ministry, then don't bother. It will make no more difference than those churches I went to, and none of us need "one more thing" to do.
On the other hand, relationships are worth the devotion of your life. Living out a relational focus while leading people to the Lord and helping form Christ in them and in us, requires effort and availability on our part. We have to find a way to be relentless in our relationship building by doing things outside of our planned meeting times. Things like asking people over for dinner, shopping together, playing games, going to events, attending each other's kids ballgames, helping on projects—the list is unlimited. It is simply doing everyday life together. The temptation is to slack off. We are all busy and we all get tired. If you spent last night, the night before, and the night before at home, then it is time to call someone up and get together with them! That is relational ministry.
