I had no idea what I was getting myself into. I was a fairly new Christian, leading my first small group of singles. The topic was how to be happy though single and was aimed at those who just knew that life would be so much better if only they were married. My co-leader and I were prepared to challenge that assumption, and God gave us the perfect vehicle.
Sandy, one of the girls in the group, had met a friend at work. Tom was married with four children. He had just learned that his wife, Vicki, had had a brief affair. He was devastated, but in his pain, he was open to the gospel. Over the next few weeks, Sandy shared the gospel with both Tom and Vicki. It was about then that our group was starting, and Sandy talked me into inviting Tom and Vicki to join us. They needed Christian fellowship, and their story would offer a great object lesson that marriage does not solve every problem. They were apprehensive, but since they were heading toward singleness anyway, they joined us.
As our group started, there was an instant bond among us. It was a closed group, and we were all committed to find a way to live with the longing for marriage. No matter what the topic, Tom and Vicki’s perspective offered a reality check.
Before long, their pain could not be contained. Vicki was still in contact with the other man, and Tom could not handle it. They decided to separate, but both still wanted to be part of the group, which by then had become family to them. We helped them move to separate homes. We cared for their children. We offered biblical wisdom. We cried with them. We continued to love them, even after they filed for divorce, sold their home, and Vicki chose to leave the group. Not once did it occur to us to engage in discipline or ask them to leave the group because of their sin. They were family and we loved them, despite the mess.
Several principles guided us as we navigated the rough and muddy waters.
1. Offer Life in a Community of Belonging.
It was pretty obvious that if Tom and Vicki left the group, the community where they had found a place to belong, we would lose our opportunity to minister to them, to love them, and to speak biblical counsel into their lives. Yes, sometimes it is necessary to remove the offender, but that has to be the very last resort, after everything else has failed and then, only if the behavior is having a negative impact on the rest of the community.
Have you noticed that Christians are often afraid or unwilling to live in the mess for very long? We expect things to be neat and tidy, for people to fall into alignment quickly, for them to repent and turn around and get it right—hopefully by tomorrow. In my experience, that is a fairy tale. People and situations can get real messy before they get better.
It was also obvious that if they left, they would lose their personal sense of belonging, and they had no place to transfer the bonds we had built. Dr. James Wilder, author of Living From the Heart Jesus Gave You, explains that belonging is the primary need of humans. From birth, or even before, we actually have a neurological need to attach to others, and that attachment, that belonging, creates joy, which is the most basic of all emotions.
Wilder says, "We are creatures of joy in our natural state. People work to get back to their natural state," so joy is the basis of bonding. It is the fruit of relationship, and people are reluctant to give up a place where they have found the true joy of belonging, especially in troubled times.
So what do we do? We recognize that the need for joy, the need to belong, offers our best hope to minister restoration and healing in the middle of a mess. Most people will not leave if they truly feel loved and accepted, even with mud all over their faces.
2. Speak to the Spirit, not the Soul:
We need to understand that man is a three part being, composed of spirit, soul, and body (1 Thes. 5:23). Contrary to the usual way we think, the biblical order is spirit first, then soul, then body. The spirit of man is that part of him that was created in the image of God and has the God-given authority and responsibility to call the person into behavioral alignment. The spirit, when fed biblical truth watered with love, has the potential to bring healing, restoration, and obedience.
The soul, on the other hand, tends to be a bit unruly. Composed of the mind, will, and emotions, the soul seems to be the defender of the status quo, the defender of "I want to be happy!" The soul is an expert at justifying and rationalizing. Tom’s soul lived in the pain of betrayal, seeking a way out, while Vicki was able to justify her every behavior with her demand for happiness. Any attempt to talk to them about behavior ended up in argument and division, our souls railing against their souls. They became less willing to listen and less willing to change.
However, when we spoke truth to their spirits, they were less able to argue. Hebrews 4:12 reminds us, "For the word of God is living and active. Sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart." The word of God, spoken lovingly, graciously, without judgment, and in a community of belonging, is the only thing that has a chance to break through the human defenses.
We learned to not argue with them. We did not thump them with Bible verses. We simply looked them in the eye and spoke truth, quietly, gently, and lovingly. We affirmed their desire to follow God and glorify him. We affirmed the image of God imprinted within each of their spirits. We spoke with confidence that they knew what was right and were the kind of people who would ultimately follow God once the throbbing pain subsided a bit.
3. Create an Environment of Openness Rather than Hiddenness
Each member of our group had the goal of making radical personal change. We had agreed to be open, honest, and vulnerable with one another, and we had agreed to love one another in the mess. Tom and Vicki were not the only muddy ones in the group. Each of us had attitudes and behaviors that just were not pretty. Quite frankly, each of those areas was as sinful as Tom and Vicki’s flagrant attitudes and behaviors. They just seemed more presentable.
It started slowly, but pretty soon each of us was flourishing in an environment of openness. When we realized that we could still belong, still be accepted, even in our imperfection, we were willing to risk being vulnerable. As one person found safety, it was an encouragement to the others. Soon, we had a depth that brought transformation to every person in the group.
4. Set a Goal of Restoration, Not Judgment:
Galatians 6:1 reminds us, "Brothers, if someone is caught in a sin, you who are spiritual should restore him gently." The Greek word for restore in this verse refers to mending something that is broken. It was used to refer to mending torn fishing nets—a slow, tedious, and messy job.
It is easy to judge one another. It is effortless for me to compare my sin with your sin in a way that I come out on top, but God’s way is less about judging and more about restoration. When confronted with the woman caught in adultery, Jesus did not pick up the first stone, nor did he affirm her behavior. He simply pointed out that there might be a few other sinners in the crowd, and then called her to go and sin no more.
Yes, you may have the positional authority to discipline a group member, but such discipline seldom brings restoration. In fact, more often than not, it makes the mess bigger, the wound deeper, and the separation permanent. It shatters the sense of belonging and makes attachment much more difficult the next time. It forces the soul to rise up and protect itself.
Restoration seems messier. Restoration seems slower. Frequently, restoration is amazingly painful, but the authority we earn in the process of walking step by step, hand in hand, through it is worth more than being right anytime.
Tom and Vicki went through with the divorce. They and their children went through more pain along the way, but they stayed involved with members of our small group, even after the group ended. We loved them, encouraged them, and continued to walk in the mess. A few years later, we stood with them as they remarried. Last I heard, they were still standing strong.
