Small Groups

Several years ago I found myself in a small group of women that met on Saturday mornings. These were women I had known for a while; they were friends of mine. The group had a simple format—we would read a few verses from the Bible, read a meditation, and then ask the same three questions every week.

I had been a part of many small groups before, and I was expecting all of the usual good stuff—sharing, friendship, fun, and so on. But something unusual was going on with this group. It was different. I felt like I was going to be challenged. I felt like I was going to change. This made me a little nervous, but very excited, and I looked forward to the next meeting.

When Saturday rolled around again, I found myself eagerly anticipating what would be shared and discovered in the group. I walked away from that meeting with new insights about my spiritual growth, but again there was something different. Something more. I began to believe that this group would be the catalyst for some real growth and life change for me.

By this time I was more than curious, and I thought hard about what that difference could be. Was it that these women were special? Was it that they were already friends of mine? No, I had been in groups with lots of very special people, and I had been in groups with lots of very good friends.

By the end of the third group meeting, I was starting to get a handle on the answer. There was something different, after all—something that I now believe is key to making small groups work.

The Art of Listening

As one of the women began to share something that had happened in her week, I looked around and noticed that they other women were all listening—really listening. They were more focused and listened more intently then I was used to from other group experiences. They were not giving her advice. They were not relating her story to theirs. They were not saying things to help her feel better. They were just listening. They listened, and she felt understood and heard.

Once I had my answer, I wanted to listen like that. I wanted to listen so intently that others felt truly heard and understood. As I've grown in this area, I've learned that listening is more than a skill. It's an art. And when done well, listening is an art that really can change people's lives. But it's not something that most people are naturally good at. In fact, the opposite is true.

In his book Making Small Groups Work, Henry Cloud says: "A big part of the problem is that we think listening is just the ability to know what someone has said. And once we know what they have said, we feel the permission to tell them what we think or feel, or whatever we want them to listen to from us. From a facilitator's perspective, that is not listening. It is just waiting your turn."

As a leader or facilitator, how often do you find yourself "waiting your turn" to talk? But it doesn't have to be that way. When you as a leader model the art of good listening, you set the tone for good listening in the entire group.

The Benefits of Listening

When we listen well, we offer several positive experiences for our group members:

1. Validation. According to Cloud, validation happens when a person's reality has been seen as real and true for him. In other words, a group leader can validate a member by acknowledging that what he expressed is real and true for him. That doesn't mean we agree with the person. That doesn't mean we try to fix the person or make the situation better. That doesn't mean we quickly give advice. After all, Proverbs 18:13 says, "He who answers before listening, that is his folly and his shame."
2. Empathy. Dr. Cloud writes, "Empathy occurs when someone feels that you really enter into his experience and reality." To empathize means to listen for the feeling behind what is being shared, and then to simply reflect back what you have heard. And that's the important part when it comes to small groups. You have to be able to express "I hear you saying … " without adding a lot of spiritual meaning or connections or advice.
3. Understanding. Finally, when we're listening well, we seek to understand the person speaking. That means we have to intentionally keep our focus off ourselves. How many small-group leaders are tempted to respond to a moment of transparency by relating personal experiences from their own lives? But doing so takes the focus away from the person who just shared. Instead, we need to encourage more sharing so that we—and the rest of the group—can better understand. So ask questions that draw out more information. "What else happened?" or "Is there more?"

Joel Comiskey once wrote, "What you have to say as a leader is not as important as the thoughts of those present." I've come to find that he is right, and that sometimes the best thing you can do as a leader is close your mouth and listen.

Janet McMahon is the Adult Ministry Director of Restore Community Church, a NewThing affiliate.

—Janet McMahon; used with permission of Community Christian Church and the New Thing Network, © 2008.