I was talking with one of our small group leaders the other day. He told me that he was really concerned that there was an elitist attitude in his group coming from the parents who had chosen to home school or private school their children. His kids were in public school. It was clearly beginning to create a rift in the group. Upon further discussion, I discovered that each family was handling childcare on their own and that the children in the host home were frequently distracting the group, and that these were some of the home / private schooled kids.
Conflict happens in small groups. There is no getting around it, but there are different ways of getting through it. Here are a few of the ways I have observed and what each way might look like if applied to my friend's situation:
- The "Lord is leading us to a new group" approach. This approach grew out of an educational approach to discipleship. Relationships are primarily built in a classroom setting, so when conflict occurs, the people who are offended seem to "sense the Lord's leadership" to find a new class or help out in some other area of ministry. It may sound good, and God often does use conflict to launch ministry (Paul and Barnabus, Acts 15), however, it is not really dealing authentically with the issue at hand. This approach is common not just for Sunday morning groups, but also for groups that meet in homes. The excuses to switch groups are often based on the time the group meets or other priorities, but the underlying reason is conflict. For my friend, this approach might have him feeling the need to launch a new group or to begin moving away from leadership of this group and toward investing himself in another group in some way.
- The "time heals all" approach. This approach refuses to acknowledge there is a conflict. The idea here is that if you just ignore the problem, it will eventually go away. Everyone will send out nonverbal signals that we are not going down that road of conflict ever again. Pretty soon everyone clues in and, voila, the conflict is gone! However, opportunities for genuine sharing and growth are gone as well. A pattern for conflict avoidance is established. It ends up being a nice group of people doing their thing within well-understood boundaries that have taken the life out of the small group. For my friend, this approach means that the next time school comes up he immediately changes the topic making it clear that we are not going there. After doing this a couple of times, everyone else will get the idea and follow his lead.
- The "pull them aside" approach. This approach is beginning to deal with the real issue. Here is how it works: My friend decides he really needs to talk about how he feels and pulls the host couple aside either literally in the group fellowship time or by setting up an appointment for just them to get together and talk. During this appointment, he tells them exactly how he feels. They may feel sorry, apologize and agree to move on. In the best case, they even talk about the benefits of both perspectives of schooling and find a common ground of appreciation. They have found some good resolution, but the whole group has not had the opportunity to grow through this conflict.
- The "talk it through as a group" approach. This approach is my recommendation. This approach esteems the value of the group as a healing and hope-filled community. In this approach, my friend decides to tenderly bring up the situation at the appropriate time in a group meeting. He shares how he feels about the attitudes related to schooling and even shares a little more about why they have chosen to keep their children in public school. The key is that he sets the tone as authentic, not demeaning or defensive. Then, he asks each family in the group to share their feelings and convictions about schooling their children and about relating to the group about this issue. The goal is mutual understanding and respect. When everyone has had the chance to hear each other, they may spend a little more time in interaction, but at the end they take turns praying for each other's children and for the development of God's character in their lives through whatever school setting they have chosen. Now the group has had the chance to experience community. New life has been poured into the group, and everyone feels humbled by the miracle of God's presence. The group has grown.
I have not yet heard back from my friend on this topic, so the end of the real story is not yet written. In my heart, I am convinced God has a bigger plan for their conflict—a plan to draw them closer to Himself as a group than ever before. We shall see.
