It was an unusual gathering of people; not quite what we expected when we offered a small group in the home of a church member on the west side of town. The hostess mentioned the group to several neighbors and former coworkers and, quite to her surprise, they ALL came. That is how we ended up with a group of ten people, representing five different area churches.
My awareness of the doctrinal differences between the churches represented gave me a little bit of that "walking through a minefield" feeling. I was on alert each week, but as weeks turned to months, we rolled along without a hitch. With God's Word and our love for the Lord as the focus, we enjoyed lively discussions with fresh voices and insights. I considered it the best group I had been part of in my 20+ years of small group experience.
And then it happened … suddenly and from seemingly out-of-nowhere—"Once saved, always saved. That's what I was taught," said one young woman. My antennae were up. I recognized immediately the potential grenade-like effect of such a remark, but before I could throw myself on it, a counter remark was hurled from across the room, "Well, I don't happen to agree with THAT!" The conversation took on a life all its own, with volleys of scripture coming from all sides. Others, trying without success to enter the dispute, resorted to nodding or shaking their heads to indicate support or disagreement.
Inwardly I was screaming, "Help, Lord!" as I searched my memory banks for my church's precise stand on the issue of eternal security. I could not claim to know it with any degree of certainty, and if asked to support it, I am sure none of the scripture would come to mind. My confidence as a small group leader was waning. Should we call the pastor at home and ask him for a statement and supporting scriptures? I wondered. I was not sure he would appreciate that.
Finally, there was a pause as they stopped to catch their breath and search for more Bible verses to defend their cases. It was now or never. I had to either seize my opportunity or lose the rest of the discussion time to controversy and bad feelings. "Well…," I said. "Yes, you've been quiet! What do YOU think?" someone asked. All heads turned toward me. I cleared my throat. "I think…it's great to see the interest you all have in topics of an eternal nature and how you were able to cite so many of the scriptures that come to bear on this dispute that's been argued about for centuries."
"But what do you say is the answer? What do you believe?" "I believe…I believe…that if theologians, after 2,000 years, have not come to an agreement on it, it's unlikely that our little group here will come to an agreement on it. As for me, I've got my hands full trying to live out the things in the Bible that are crystal clear to me, such as loving my neighbor, speaking the truth in love, and giving thanks in all things, just to name a few. Once I have all that down pat, I'll move on to worrying about the less clear issues. Meanwhile, let's continue to pursue those things the Lord has made crystal clear and we won't have a reason to wonder if our eternal destination is in jeopardy."
The last sentiment seemed to be one everyone could rally around. We returned to our planned discussion and completed it. In the closing prayer time, someone prayed a marvelous prayer, thanking the Lord for His goodness to us, in that while we can agree to disagree, none of us wanted to be disagreeable. She also asked the Lord not to let anything disrupt the unity of our fellowship. That, too, was something on which we all could agree.
It can be argued that this was not the way to handle it, that the sponsoring church's stance should have been stated and supported, and that the issue should not have been pushed aside. I will not disagree. What is done in the heat of the moment is often not the choice that would have been made under different circumstances with less time pressure. My story may make some leaders rush off to brush up on key points of doctrine or cause some pastors to think about insisting on such training for all small group leaders. "Monday-morning quarterbacking" aside, though, two important things happened during this incident that are worth noting:
- Acknowledgement. The opinions of all parties were acknowledged and respected. This preserved the dignity of all group members, making nobody the "loser." It also prevented any member's church from being the target of attack.
- Refocusing. The focus was turned back on Christ and our desire to follow Him. That is what brought us together. There was something bigger than the issue at hand that we all could agree on. That is key!
These two factors—acknowledgement and refocusing—retained unity and enabled the group to move forward.
Conflict can arise in any group, even when members are all from the same body of believers. The wise leader searches for words that allow everyone to walk away feeling listened to and accepted, even if disagreement remains.
